The Person Who Saved Me

It was dark outside, maybe a bit late for a 4 year old to be up playing alone in her room. It might have been an autumn or winter month. My brothers and I were not playing together, so it might have been time for bed. Maybe we already had dinner, or were about to go to the table, I can’t really recall. What I do recall is the loud continuous banging on the front door of the house. My room was at the top of the stairs. If you were looking out my door you could see down the stairs and into the living room area. There was a small wall built out a bit near the door but it did not block the view completely. All of a sudden there was a crash, the door was kicked in. I could hear the thud of numerous heavy footsteps through the living room. I opened my door and stood at the top of the stairs silently and still. There were many men in the house and by the time I scanned the room to assess the situation, they had my dad thrown down on the steps in front of me about 6 feet from where I stood. There were 3, maybe 4 men on top of him. I did not know what they were saying, but they were all yelling and had guns stuck in his face. I was scared but did not make a sound. I stood and watched as my dad’s face was smashed in between the stairs, guns, and someone's shoulder. As quickly as they arrived and accosted my dad, they were gone just as fast with my dad in tow. In one chaotic moment, life as I knew it changed.

Life changed dramatically from that moment on. Violence, threats, and intimidation crept into our world, directly affecting me and my brothers. My dad’s crime partner came to our house a few nights later holding a gun to my head threatening my mom. My mom suddenly seemed less tolerant of her children and far more detached as a mother. For years I waited and hoped for a savior to take me away from the life I was in. After my dad went to prison I felt like I was lost in the wilderness. The memories I have of my mother before my father leaving were few, but the memories after were many and they were immense.

My life was immersed in abuse, addiction, violence, and chaos for years to come. I regularly prayed for a knight in shining armor or anyone capable, to come and save me from the hell I was in. For years I hoped, I prayed, I waited; no one ever came. I had no idea how to manifest the life I hoped to live. The picture in my mind of how my life would unfold was very different from what actually occurred. In a few short years I became convinced that the dreams I had for my life were nothing more than a fantasy. I needed to enter the real world and recognize that people like me do not make it out of these environments. Those fairy tales on TV were not aligned with real life, they were definitely a fantasy that would never manifest. This was a hard reality to choke down as an optimistic and hopeful child. The sooner I accepted this reality, the easier life would become, I told myself. I learned to accept the reality that we do not transcend our station in life. Acceptance of this reality did not make my life easier, but my path remained familiar and I stayed the course. I predictably followed the same path as everyone else around me and ended up in the very same places.

Blame, lack of responsibility, finger pointing, and excuses were part of my life for many years. As I pointed fingers I expected that something would change because someone would take responsibility and the things they did would magically recreate my reality. But, that never happened and nothing changed. Year after year as my focus remained on everything that occurred in the past, I trained myself to keep looking back and ignore the steps in front of me. I did not see the path clearly and failed to realize that I had in fact become the master of my own destiny. At some point, I consented to follow the footsteps of those who had come before and manifested the same reality I loathed. Without a clear set of glasses and a mirror I was destined to spiral into the pit of destruction and despair that I so desperately wanted to escape.

As I spiraled out of control for decades, as I recreated the same destructive paths in the lives of my children, as I failed myself and everyone that mattered to me, I sought a way out. I was certain that the best gift I could give to everyone I failed, including myself, would be to end my life and set them free. I was certain that I was the problem, that somewhere in some past life, I had done a terrible thing and was back to pay for it in this one. I gave it my all to end the miserable and destructive existence I could not seem to escape. However, the Universe, God, or however anyone labels that force, had other plans for me.

The day I truly realized I was not going to die, was the day I knew it was time for me to figure out how to live. The journey has been long and the work arduous. However, the journey has been necessary and the work belonged solely to me. The choice has always been mine, and I have chosen choice after choice, day after day, year after year, decade after decade to create my fate, even though I was not always aware of this. Once I learned to take responsibility and focus my sights ahead, I was able to climb out of the pit of despair I settled in for so long.

My life was blessed the day I met the person that would save me. I met her truly for the first time in an unlikely place. She was staring back at me from a jail cell mirror. It was then I realized that EVERYTHING happening in my life is the result of a choice that I made.

When I stopped looking back, I was then able to find my way forward. Taking a rough start to build a new beginning has allowed me to spread hope across the world and convince people that your power lies in your own hands. When I stopped waiting for someone else to do it for me, was the day I owned my life. The day I realized my savior was me, I knew that it was up to me to become someone I could count on. Then it was time to share this with the world.